A Past Full of Grace
The Importance of Retrospective Gratitude
This entry may come as a bit of deviation from the norm of Binnacle writings thus far which have mostly dealt with objective subjects ranging all the way from ethics to aesthetics, from politics to entertainment. Even if our writers’ personal affections and dispositions have come out in their arguments, we have generally managed (hopefully) to avoid being sappily personal and preachy in hopes of achieving a certain standard of objectivity in our discourse. If this at least attempted objectivity is what has kept you subscribed to our humble blog, then I apologize for what you are about to read, for it is egregiously unobjective and personal, but I hope that it may nevertheless be of some worth (or mirth) to you.
My parents are getting rid of things at their house, so I recently had the distinct pleasure of sorting through my personal archives, which had gathered dust in their attic for several years prior. These consist of a box full of various memorabilia—mostly written and drawn materials—from my early days of homeschooling, ranging from when I was about four years old till age eleven. There were short written descriptions of events from American history and from the Bible that I wrote at some time or another, either prompted by my homeschool curricula or by divine inspiration, I don’t really remember. There were stick-figure drawings of epic proportions, depicting scenes as disparate as the sack of Troy, the Boston Tea Party, and the Great Flood. I chuckled to read a journal entry from age nine when I described my best friends, three of whom are my illustrious and mischievous coeditors of the Broken Binnacle. There were even a few poems that I was surprised to see, for I had forgotten all about them. Below is an exclusive, never before seen example of said poetry, written at age eleven:
Under Under the roof I am safe and warm Protected from the winter storm. Under the umbrella, I stay apart from the rain Watching the water swirl down the drain. Under the covers I hide from my fear Hoping the monsters do not appear. Under the tree, while the shade will last, Reading a book, reading it fast. Under the protection of the Holy Trinity I’ll be safe from Satan’s trickery. Under the shadow of God’s wing I will not fear anything.
Suffice it to say, I had a lot of fun going through these things, but on top of that I couldn’t help but be struck with a feeling of surprise. I was surprised very simply because I had forgotten about my past. Although I am generally a nostalgic and retrospective person, I couldn’t help but conclude that I have taken for granted where I came from and neglected to appreciate the processes and steps that have turned me into the person I am today. Simply by being confronted with the things I did, made, and learned in my childhood I was very tangibly reminded of the infinitude of graces that God has showered on me at every step of my life. My mom’s extensive lesson plans for my distracted eight-year-old self as well as simply the God-centered subject material by which I had been surrounded themselves were enough for me to be blown away by how blessed I was. Not only was I reminded of how much I had been given, but I also was surprised by the things I did. Obviously, the above poem is a little juvenile, but I still couldn’t help but feel a tinge of pride for my eleven-year old self and a profound sense of gratitude for the grace given to me in having written it. The craziest thing about this experience to me, was the fact that through all of it, at all the ages represented by the tangible creations of my primitive mind, I was and still am the same person. As much as these fruits of my childhood seemed to be created by different persons with different interests, tendencies, and worldviews at different ages, as much as I had forgotten about them, as much as I feel detached and apart from them now, they are all a part of the same story, all representative of the same person, and all part of what has made me into who I am, warts and all.
Because of this experience of looking at the fruits of my childhood, as well as the conversations it engendered, I’ve realized that memory is an often-overlooked power of our souls, and it is a vital component of living a happy and productive life. Without memory and without reflecting on the blessings with which we have been graced, it is impossible for us to fully inculcate the virtue of gratitude. It is not enough to be grateful to God simply for our current circumstances and blessings. We must exercise our recollective powers to truly appreciate the workings of grace in our lives, the key events and influences that brought us to where we are, and the feats we have accomplished which do not themselves prove our self-worth, but which surely glorify God and attest to his Grace working through us.
I really do believe that one of the only ways to get out of the worst depressions, spiritual dryness, and work slumps, as well as an essential way to develop a firm hope and trust in God’s will is an inculcation of retrospective gratitude. It’s so easy for me to be hyper-focused on present problems, weaknesses, sins, and misfortunes, as well as the path that lies before me, but any time I can take a large mental step back and regain perspective, it’s impossible for me not to be overwhelmed by the literal infinitude of grace that God has given to me, and which He continues to give to me despite my frequent forgetfulness and blatant rejection of His Love. Even if there is great tribulation and misfortune in our past, looking back can very likely remind us of the moments which we have rejected God’s love which have led us to where we are. Such memories ought not make us discouraged but should on the contrary remind us that God has constantly been offering us his loving grace, and it is simply our own wills that have prohibited us from feeling it, and thus sanctification, beatification, and happiness are very much within our reach.
Now, it is of course important that we do not live in the past. This is not at all the same thing. I know that it is possible to be overly focused on one’s past that one can lose sight of where he is going and too attentive to one’s past achievements and virtues that he fails to grow in any way. There are many scriptural warnings of focusing on the past (Is. 43:18, Lk. 9:62, Phil. 3:13). We thus certainly must not retrospect simply for its own sake, but insofar as it allows us to gain clarity in the workings of grace in our lives, to know ourselves more fully, to develop gratitude, and to learn from our mistakes and push forward through the challenges of life. Maybe this is basic. Perhaps even a bit cliché. I know that a lot has been written on gratitude, and we have certainly always been told to “count our blessings”. I don’t pretend to be writing anything revolutionary here. I only wish to express something that I’ve more recently come to appreciate, and if there’s one reader who’s really going through it, I hope that this may be a good encouragement that you might take some time to look at your life, literally every stage of it, and reflect on the astounding amount that you have been blessed and move forward happier and with renewed focus on getting where you need to go.
“Let us remember the past with gratitude, live the present with enthusiasm, and look forward to the future with confidence.” - Pope Saint John Paul II
I'm grateful for this post.